It's Hump Day, I'm road-trippin' north in like three days, and I somehow have … an ear infection. That's right. How does that even happen?
I didn't even know adults could get ear infections. Seriously. Thought they were just a 5-and-under type thing. I don't get it.
Everything was all ham & eggs until I got into bed Monday night. My ears felt a little clogged – I assumed from the eight whiskey-waters I had at dinner, if the science works out on that – so I did what any reasonable American does when our ears clog up: plug the nostrils and blow. Pop those suckers back to even.
But my right one just wouldn't pop. Refused. Yesterday morning it started aching. Yesterday afternoon it started ringing. This morning, it was all three – clogged, aching, ringing. What the hell? What are we doing here?
Anyway, all that to say, I'm in a great mood, so let's ring that bell and get this class MOVING.
Welcome to a Hump Day Nightcaps – the one where we check in with Olivia Dunne's sister, Julz, who dominated a Los Cabos beach over the weekend and deserves some time to shine.
What else? Well, I've got a couple pissed off moms yelling at Marshawn Lynch, I can't get enough of this insane Joe Biden video, Scott Hanson (yes, that one) saved the day after a car crash and NASCAR's Natalie Decker is back in the pool on this summer Wednesday.
Sound like a plan? Good!
Grab you a peanut butter cookie for National Peanut Butter Cookie Day, dunk it straight into some 2% milk so you don't feel like a complete fatty, and settle in for a Hump Day 'Cap!
A great way to start a road trip!
Before we cool down with the Dunne Clan, some more bitching and moaning!
Not only do I have an ear infection (allegedly), but – as I'm writing this – I get a call from my mechanic saying our car needs a pesky tie rod replacement (whatever the hell that means) and it's gonna cost $500. Nice. What a start to the trip!
I reckon it's a good thing to find out now rather than somewhere in bumf--k Pennsylvania, but still. Bummer.
Speaking of bumf--k Pennsylvania … we're taking an obscure route to Nantucket (can't hide money!) in order to avoid 95 and NYC and Washington and Philly and all the nonsense that comes with those miserable places. We're going up the middle (hey now!) and taking 77 to 81, straight through (sort of) Charlotte, Virginia, Harrisburg and Scranton. Biden's town!
I say all that to ask this … any students out there know of any places we need to hit on the way up? I'm not talking miles off the interstate, but decent spots relatively close to the interstate that would be cool to stop at since we're gonna have to stop every few hours anyway with a toddler in the car.
We're starting in Statesboro (Georgia) and going about six hours a day over three days and – God willin' – ending up in Hyannis sometime Tuesday afternoon. By my very rudimentary math, that puts us somewhere in Virginia (around Roanoke) Sunday night, Scranton on Monday, and Hyannis mid-afternoon Tuesday.
And now that you have all that information, here's my social: xxx-xx-xxxx!
Any locals out there with some decent suggestions will get five extra minutes of recess next week!
Enough about me. Here's Julz Dunne sunbathing in Los Cabos as a reward for making it this far:
How about these moms freaking out on Marshawn Lynch?
We respect the other siblings of all these influencer superstars around here, because Nightcaps is, after all, the other sibling in the 'Caps family.
And damn it, we pride ourselves on that! We know our place, and just grind like hell to stay afloat. We may not have Yanet Garcia or Elizabeth Hurley, but we have Julz Dunne – and you know what? We're good with that. We prefer it.
So welcome back to class, Julz. Livvy may get all the headlines, but you get Nightcaps. You are welcome!
Now, you know who could use a little R&R down in Los Cabos? These two moms who brought their kids to a Marshawn Lynch football camp a few years back and were somehow surprised when he started cussing out little Tommy for skipping the line.
Don't know why this video is going viral again out of nowhere, but I can't get enough of it:
Scott Hanson is ready for seven hours of commercial free football!
The "is there a man here with you" gets me every time. And he did it twice! Hilarious. And he's so genuine about it, too. It's not even a condescending tone. Marshawn just genuinely wants to know if the boy's father is there so he can have a man-to-man talk.
Look, I don't know what he said, but I can assure you, this isn't on Marshawn Lynch. If you sign your kid up for a football camp – LED BY MARSHAWN LYNCH – you're gonna get all of MARSHAWN LYNCH. You think Beast Mode just died when he retired? Don't think so. When your ass steps on the field, you better be ready to work.
Marshawn doesn't care if you're 5 or 25. When you're out here, you're on MY time. And that means getting the drills right the first time. If you can't handle that, Timmy, you can head back home and play Madden on your own time.
Great life lesson here from one of the best to ever do it. Welcome to the real world, kiddos.
Now, from someone who played in the league to someone who talks about people playing in the league, let's quickly check in on Red Zone's Scott Hanson mere months before he's back in the Octobox:
Pro V1, solid performance from Biden & Kelly Kapwoski
Scott Hanson using the term jack-wagon is maybe the least surprising thing ever. It's perfect.
I love this dude. I really love seeing TV people out in the wild. Sometimes, they're completely different humans. Like, you don't even recognize them. That ain't the case here.
Scott Hanson's Hey dude, what are you doing!? is the EXACT same voice he uses on Sundays when some absurd sequence of plays happens during The Witching Hour. God, I love Red Zone. Is it September yet?
OK, rapid-fire time so we can all enjoy a Hump Day night. First up? Speaking of watermelons:
Does Kelly Kapowski still have it or what? We talked about her last week when the internet started naming the hottest TV girls of all time, and I'm bringing her BACK today. Legend.
Next? Look who else still very much has it:
I know that Biden video is a few days old, but I can't get enough of it. Between Kamala teaching her white husband the dance routine, to the dude in a dress, to Joe Biden's hands literally not moving for a solid 20 seconds, it was just a whirlwind.
Another great moment for our commander!
Finally, you know who absolutely did not freeze with the game on the line? This psycho:
NASCAR's Natalie Decker takes us into a big night
Buddy, I've done much worse for a Noodle. You bet your ass I'm risking it all for a Pro V1. Those things just don't grow on trees, you know.
OK, that's all for today. Let's go have a big Hump Day night. Take us home, Natalie.
See you tomorrow.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
Do grown men get ear infections? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.
